Running the Rideau Canal: Running Out of Grief

That awful noise..beep beep beep.

It's dark.

Where am I? Nothing looks familiar.

Oh yeah...Ottawa, in a hotel. I have to run today.

Oh God.

Ottawa, my home town, is a tough place for me and I haven't run for five days. I'm here for work.

Last night, with colleagues, I went on a ghost tour of the downtown area and had an epiphany. As I stood on the lock that joins the Rideau Canal to the Ottawa River I realized that if I don't deal with my own ghosts in this town, I will never move forward. There is a lot of grief here and lots of memories that act as my ghoulish spectres. They pop up from time to time and set me back.

Now, at 5:30 am, it's dark, according to the Internet it's raining. I want to stay in bed and wallow in self pity. I hit the snooze button. I don't know whether it's the transition from summer to fall, or the days getting shorter, but I have had a fairly substantial case of the blues over the last three weeks. I don't want to deal with anything emotional today, and most of all...I DON'T WANT TO RUN.

That stupid noise again.

Beep beep beep.

I lie there and think about how I bought a watch last week, that times intervals, so I could run while I was away. I think about how when I lived here I couldn't do half of the things I am doing now. I haul myself out of bed.

I still don't want to run, but I'm outside. It's still dark. The rain has stopped. I'm not really sure what route I'm going to take but, I head south along the Rideau Canal. I notice how the perfectly manicured flowerbeds look nice against a dawn that is punctuated by white street lights. I grudgingly admit that the scenery is pretty.

All of a sudden, I realize that I am headed towards my Aunt's old apartment. A place I haven't seen since she died about 16 years ago. The pull becomes magnetic. I keep running until I see it. I want to stop but the interval isn't over. In my mind's eye, I can see her face and hear her laugh. Tears start to well up. The interval ends. I turn around. I run back. I run around the building. I think about what she'd say to me if we could speak to each other.

"Run on," she'd say. "Don't spend your time looking back for me. Live. Savour. Love. Travel. Laugh. Pray. When you think of me...smile."

I am back on the path beside the canal. The sun is out now, there are beautiful red leaves on a few trees and I am starting to feel my mood change.

I have brought my camera with me in the hopes of getting the "money shot." That iconic picture of the Chateau Laurier beside the canal. But all of a sudden I am thinking of other things, I am thinking about my Dad who passed away 19 years ago next month. I veer off the path and run past the Drill Hall, which served as his barracks when he was a member of the Governor General's Foot Guards. I think about he and my Mom and how happy they were together. It makes me smile. I run past my Mom's old school, the place that brought my Mom to Ottawa and ultimately to my Dad. I keep smiling.

It's a strangely good start to a day in a city that is full of sadness for me...a city that still holds my teenage angst. I let emotion fuel me forward and somehow I don't want to stop running.

As I run, I suddenly realize, that in this city where I was never the person I wanted to be...I now like the person I am. As I continue to poke at my psyche, I start to feel like time has maybe healed some old wounds. I look Ottawa in the eye. My new watch chimes the ninth interval. In this city of my grief, my legs start to tire and I stop running. I catch a glimpse of myself in the window of a Starbucks. I am still smiling. It's a beautiful day in this city of my past. It's the first day in the nation's capitol that I have found a moment of peace.

Never quit,

Mary

Coming up next:  Horseback riding and my long promised talk with my chiropractor.